FRAGILE: DO NOT DROP

Remember a while back I mentioned writing a post about how the human ego is a fragile thing? Well, that time has come.

What has sparked this kind of thought experiment was a recent delve into BDSM culture. I once had a girlfriend who was in to BDSM, and I am no expert in this area; I am what is usually considered vanilla, though my own preferences I think are not so boring. The reason I think this is an appropriate topic is because the power in the sexual relationship becomes exaggerated, thus freely exposing the interface betwixt human egos.

What makes me imagine this type of situation ideal for my purpose is that sex is typically a sensitive area, an area that is closely protected by the human mind, that this is the closest to the ego we can get while interacting with one another.

What I am trying to get at is this; that I, as what is usually considered a dominant personality, can feel insecure about my own sexual preferences. And this is because I probably have trouble with my own self image and being accepted for who and what I am by another person, because I have not accepted myself as I am. This is important to be aware of as I progress because it may color my own view of what exactly I am exploring.

But so let's assume you are a dominant personality in a sexual position and you are responsible for your submissive partner. How does one go about continuing play in a safe environment. And by safe I mean a place that can be accepted as private between two persons, a place where what happens will not color opinion of one or the other outside the sort of power play that takes place.

I'll admit that this should not be a problem in well developed relationships that have already outlined healthy ways of interacting with one another, such as safe words, what each is comfortable with, &c. But for those attempting to break into a more dom/sub sexual relationship this may be uncomfortable, which it is for me (not being as experienced as I would like), which is why, again, I think this is the perfect place to take a good look at the ego.

Because that is what is getting in the way right now.

How is one able to express a dominant position without feeling scrutinized by the other human taking part in the action? While both may accept--always assuming there are only two partners--the relationship while in context, what will the effect be while not indulging in play? The same may go for the submissive partner. And further, how can one feel that same feeling of safety, freedom from judgement, while the play is still in action? Because that's where the ego will truly come to the surface. Things like punishment the dom issues will rapidly reveal the ego, the most personal of thoughts from the dom to the sub. And this is hard to get over, the feeling that revealing one's true self in sexual deviancy will somehow make that person seem silly or inconsequential or even insecure, that is the ego speaking for its own safety.

Punishments may be an integral part of the power play for the dom/sub couple. It is essential to establish the hierarchy of power--and power is what is important to the ego, I think, the power to remain itself while establishing itself in the eyes of another as serious or not so insignificant or whatever it needs to protect. Total freedom is a scary thing, to be known personally by another human is frightening, and this is because at this point, with the ego exposed, any harm done will be deep and lasting, and any talk that comes about outside of play could be potentially damaging, scarring even.

And how far is too far? I don't mean an act which finds itself outside the physical ability or comfort zone of either partner, but at what point does play become too serious for either player? Things like tying one another up, or using cuffs or whips or burning wax on one another, they may seem in character at the time, but passion is a fierce animal, and we all know too well that sexual acts can carry themselves--it is easy to lose one's self in the type of power play going on, easy to allow the ego to take over the normal guarded personality one usually caries around. And then, when the deed is done, when the relationship comes back around to simple everyday life, then how is the ego going to feel? What sort of anxiety will be caused from worrying about the repercussions of what has taken place?

And on top of that, how is play between partners supposed to keep itself in an environment that doesn't seem silly? Silly, I know, but seriously, it just seems that going along with the play is easy, but both parties really have to buy in to the situation or the whole situation will come off silly. And once this happens, then all thoughts of self and dom/sub relationship could possibly collapse upon itself, thus tainting all other situations which could potentially come into reality.

And how to bring this all into reality anyway? I mean, you know your own preferences, presumably, and your partner knows her own preferences, presumably, and so both of you approach a sexual relationship and circumstances from your own personal view of the whole procedure w/r/t coital interface. So you've both got your egos poised to be exposed and your expectations are playing in the back of your mind and you both want satisfaction w/r/t sexual ecstasy, and yet it is difficult for both parties in this sort of situation to sort of put on the table what those preferences are, what those expectations will be, how to go about getting what both parties want. And any small piece of information which reveals itself at this point in time will have devastating effect on the ego, the way one sees one's self, the way all future coital relationships will proceed.

I think I've pushed this as far as I can within the confines of my own personal mind and space. This really isn't the sort of thing one can do completely alone, but I hope my thought exploration isn't a complete failure, and I don't think it was, but personal experience has taught me that we see things in a favorable light if we so choose.

More at a later time.